Home

Being a part of marching band has somehow helped my desire to be in a fictional land. I'm not entirely sure how. I guess a big part of it that it is has showed me that i can be a part of something bigger and more magnificent than i ever thought possible. Maybe there are no dragons or fairies or magical quests and maybe there's no doctor or sherlock or winchesters, but I have 140 family members and things that bond us. even the people who i hate i love. I can't explain it but I feel connected to everyone who used to be a part of the band and everyone who will ever be. "Its just marching band" and yes it is, but it's so much more. Its growing with people and crying and getting better and being exhausted and blisters and sweat and injuries and love and pain and finding yourself and watching others find themselves and sun burns and tan lines and knee braces and family and.... home. Because home isn't a place it's a feeling. and these people are my home.
The point is that when I'm happy with where I am, which i am, it's easy to be here. Being a part of something as great as that is enough for me. I don't need anything else. Maybe the lesson here is that instead of constantly wishing I was somewhere else or with someone else I should find ways to be happy with where I am. Find things that make me feel happy and complete and purposeful. It's really as easy as finding a place where you feel accepted and loved and where you feel like you belong. Because really, this is my home.

Waiting to die

Well, I've been accepted to 2 universities. I'm going to Lethbridge. So basically, there goes any plans I had for adventure. There isn't time to go explore the universe when you're getting a bachelor in music and education. From now on my life will revolve around money. Doesn't that sound awful? You go through 12 years waiting, watching for the day you're set free and don't have to deal with grade school. That day is so close I can almost taste it now. But as soon as we leave we're hit with the unpleasant reality which is that life is expensive and full of responsibilities. So when are we really free? From the time we're born to our first day of Preschool? three, four years? how sad is that? We never get to be free because we're either worried about passing the next test or paying the next bill.So what is life? is life just waiting to die? That's not what I want. We're always looking forward. Forward to the weekend or spring break or the summer or to graduate. it never ends. The constant waiting. so What is life? Waiting. waiting waiting. Well I'm done waiting. I need to start living. because waiting is boring and really what is life if what's happening in the present doesn't matter? Just live on an impulse, set myself free, live each day as my last. That's what i need to start doing. In the wise words of an animated tortoise "yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, but today is a gift, that is why they call it the present."

A Dream of Desire

When I was little I very rarely remembered my dreams. Although there were a few that I remember to this day. I won't talk about my dreams because when I do everyone seems to think I'm on drugs. But recently my dreams are all about either Doctor Who or Sherlock. But what's interesting about it is that my dreams always seem ridiculously realistic, at least for the past week. I wake up disappointed that it wasn't real. For most of my life I can tell I'm dreaming but that hasn't been the case. It's bloody awful, waking up from a dream of what I desire most to a boring room in a boring house in a boring life. Is it normal to desire adventure this much? to be this bored? I tell myself if I move away life will get interesting but I doubt that will happen. and Why haven't I ever felt like this before? I think its a result of all the free time exam break gives me. Maybe I need to wait for school to start then ill be busy and I won't be so bored.
Busy doing what though? School, band, theory, choir, youth group. That sounds boring. There has to be a better word for that. Boring... Hm. I'll see if there is one and get back to you all. I figured out why everyone loves the night sky. Because we look up and see a million billion stars and planets and solar systems and we know there ahs to be more out there. I suppose that's why I am a Christian rather than all my friends who are atheists. Because I have to believe that there's something more, something better and bigger and brighter than just silly little earth. I probably wont live to see more than this, but one day the human race will find aliens smarter than us and we will finally realize that we don't own the universe because we're actually pretty stupid.

You Never Know Who's Gonna Ask You to Run

Recently I've started working out. Why? Because I once saw a post on tumblr it said "I like to go running because you never know who's going to show up and tell you to" with pictures from TV shows and movies where people are suddenly told to run without warning. That motivated me beyond belief. What if the Doctor sows up and forces me to run? Im gonna need to be in shape! It's great motivation even if I know that's never gonna happen. I run and tell myself "one day I'm gonna need to run for my life". All I do recently is run from my life. I run from everything realistic. I'm in love with fictional characters and places I've never been. My dream is London. I want nothing more than to go live in London. I don't know why but London seems like somewhere different. But I need to get an education. then ill need to pay off my debts and by then hopefully I'll have a steady job as a music teacher... probably here. Probably in Calgary. I feel so stuck here. I told my sister today that I thought Calgary was boring. There's so much to see and all I'm going to see is this little City, this little world, this tiny little solar system.
I think I'm nothing but a hopeless dreamer, but its necessary for my sanity. Those years of my life I spent completely in touch with reality were when my depression got worse. I was so sad just six months ago. But since I've been day dreaming and imagining having adventures my mental state has gotten much better. Maybe that's what everyone needs, a little magic. I'm scared though, to turn eighteen. I'm mostly scared for after university. I haven't even started yet but I can't help but think about when I finish, then I have to go off into the world and be an adult. It's like, when you stop going to school, you're not allowed to dream anymore. I've seen far too many adults lose there sparkle and I don't want that to happen to me. I don't wish that upon anyone.

Beyond the stars

When i was young, I loved dragons. I loved mythical creatures, and fairy tales. What child doesn't? But what happened as I got older was, it wasn't as acceptable to daydream. I had to pay attention at school and stop making up stories in my head. I taught myself to be a realist. You'd be surprised how well it worked. I had both feet planted on the ground. It got to the point where I hated reading fantasy. I've only read the first harry potter book and hated it if you would believe it. Nothing but what I could see in front of me would do. My dream was to be a band teacher. That's honestly what I saw myself doing. And that's still the future I see for myself, but its not my dream. I saw this boring, realistic future for myself. That job would satisfy me and pay the bills and really, that's all there is isn't it? I went on like that for about 3 years.
Now I'm going to give a lot of praise to anyone who took part in the making of The Hobbit: The desolation of Smaug, because it was absolutely brilliant and easily my favourite movie which I have never said about any one movie in my life so that it high praise. The acting was brilliant, the cinematography was stupendous, the graphics were stellar, the writing and directing were unbelievable and lets not forget J.R.R Tolkien, who was beyond words in his brilliance. But he reason i loved this movie so much is because it sparked something in me. I walked out of that movie feeling like a child again. Since then, my life has gotten drastically better and worse all at once. I watch TV differently (and more frequently) than ever before. I pulled out my old books on Mythical creatures. This whole world of fantasy and sci-fi has been opened to me. I feel creative and open minded, I appreciate things in a new light! But lord almighty I am so BORED. Its insane I have never experienced this boredom ever in my life and no one else seems to understand. I wanna travel and go on adventures and meet dragons and fight evil villains and explore the universe! But I'm stuck here. I guess I couldn't say "small town calgary", but compared to the universe it seems small to me. the world seems small to me, and I feel like no one else feels how truly tiny the world is, and how little we'll get to see in our lifetimes.
I want to explore with the Doctor or go on an adventure with Gandalf or solve crimes with Sherlock. I want something exciting to happen and I guess that's why I'm starting a blog, in hopes that something does happen to me worth documenting. But things like that don't happen in real life to real people. We just live. We're born, we go to school, we get a job, we die. I really want my life to be more than that. I feel like John Watson and as he would say, "nothing happens to me."